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I would have never bought this house if I had known that it was sitting right in the middle of a fairy circle. One would think they were afraid of humans, right? Maybe a bit curious but remaining unseen, ya know? I do admit it would have been nice to wake up with a hot human-sized fairy whispering in my ear that she needed me to make little human-fairy babies.
Not so much.
No, what I get is a small gray cat and a pretty big Siamese sitting in the carport when I pulled up, moving truck coming in behind me. The Siamese was intent on grooming herself and the gray one arched and hissed a welcome. Not to be impolite since I like cats, I stretched out a hand. The gray one sniffed and said “Great, another human.” She walked off in a human-like huff.
Grooming completed, the Siamese gave me a blue-eyed stare. “Don’t unpack.” She stretched and walked away with more dignity than the first one.
I really wish I had heeded her advice.
Days blended into weeks as I unpacked boxes as I settled into a routine of work-home. Not much play going on as I was too busy working on a script I had promised a director-friend. “It’ll be BIG!” he said from his untidy sprawl on my couch while I was in the kitchen fixing him some tea. “There’s an independent film festival next year and.... when did you get a cat?”
I nearly dropped the mug I was carrying. On the coffee table, giving him the most deadly of deadly Siamese stares was the cat from the carport. Under the coffee table was the gray one, sleeping in what could only be described as Dead Cat with Curled Tail. “Uh, I need to go.” He shoved the mug at me. “Just get the script done in a month so we can start shooting.” He bolted.
“Well,” I told the cats as I sat on the couch, “I don’t want to seem ungrateful for you getting rid of him but would you tell me what the blue-green hell is going on?”
The Siamese nibbled her foot. “This house was built on the edge of the Kingdom. You, sir, sit between worlds. You can call me Pike and this little jerk is Simple. We’re the Guardians of the People for this part of the border. Safe to say they’ve figured you’re no threat which means you can expect visitors of all sorts. Simple and I will patrol on a regular basis to make sure they don’t hurt themselves.” She hopped down off the table. “Simple, let’s go.”
Simple swatted my foot on her way. “We like the fish-flavored kibble.”
And they simple passed through the wall like ghosts.
See, I had no problems with the notion of fairy cops in the shapes of cats wandering through the house slinging attitude and sarcasm. Quite the opposite, I thought it might be interesting and I had even bought Simple her “kibble”.
However there are few things quite like going to take a bath and finding a mermaid in your tub, her face very unlike the cartoons. Pixies took a liking to my coffee so most mornings I would find a dozen or so sitting on my kitchen table gossiping over mugs as tall as them. At least they always left me a cup.
The one that got me was the old lady who would camp in my study and read my script-in-progress. Her and her rainbow-colored robe would edit til I was fit to scream.
Even those were not as bad as the one that woke me up at midnight.
They don’t tell you about the crazy fairies. No one mentions the ones that come at you with big knives out of fear, that wait until you’re asleep to strike. Thank the heavens Pike clawed me awake and Simple tackled him. I never saw him and Pike assured me they would keep him from the house.
That was the last straw. I set out a pound of the pixie’s favorite coffee, my completed script, the mermaid’s favorite loofah and the bag of cat food in the backyard. I could handle everything they had dished out but once my sense of security was gone, I was done. I can’t spend the rest of my nights in this house waiting for dawn in my closet. That’s why tomorrow I’m setting it on fire.


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August 2011


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