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I read Twilight because I am starved for new material and wanted to see what the deal is anyways. After I read a bit, I would sum up the pages in a few words for whoever happened to be standing near me.
I finished it and to keep them from having to hear me make fun of the book, I wrote a play:
Twilight Condensed:
Teen Angst in One Act

Charaters:
Bella, red-headed teenaged human female. Clumsy as hell. Suck.
Edward, blond model-like vampire. Likes to dress like someone out of GQ.

Vampire chorus: consists of a male and female, both perfect dressed like fashion models.
Human chorus: male and female, both looking a bit less perfect and even a touch grubby.

Stage: Black curtains across the back, spotlights on Edward and Bella. Stage should be dimly lit.

(Curtain raises. Human chorus stands stage left as Bella enters stage right.)

Bella: (depressed) Well, Forks sucks and my life is miserable.
Human chorus: (waves and shouts) Hi, Isabella!
Bella: (rolls eyes) Bella, 'k?
(Human chorus moves to stand behind her as Edward and the vampire chorus enter stage left)
Bella: Who's that? He's HOT!
Human chorus: (together) Oh, that's the Cullens. They're all hot and don't bother with us because we shop at the Gap.
Bella: Hm, they're pale and don't eat. All are acne-free and look like supermodels. (shrugs) They couldn't be vampires.
(Bella and Edward move center stage, face each other.)
Edward: (to Bella) I'm Edward Cullen and I think you suck.
Bella: (to Edward) I'm Bella and I think you're an ass. Hot but a complete ass.
(They glare at each other, then cling together.)
Edward: You smell good!
Bella: You're COLD! There's no way you're a vampire.
(They start to kiss.)
Human chorus: (male voice) Hey, Bella, wanna go out?
Bella: (to male) NO, I only date the undead!
Human chorus: (together) No vampires here, no sir! Just a family of perfect hotness but no vampires!
Bella: (to Edward) You're a vampire?
Vampire chorus: (together) She's quick!
Edward: (to Bella) Well... I don't eat people and I get sparkly in the sun.
(Edward and Bella kiss.)
Human chorus: (sings) Insert random story from a Native American about vampires then an old Native American elder says “Be careful!”
Edward: (to Bella) I can't read your thoughts, it must be LOVE!
Bella: (to Edward) You're COLD and sparkly. It must be LOVE!
(They embrace dramatically.)
Edward: (to Bella) Come meet my family!
(Edward and Bella move stage right to face the vampire chorus.)
Vampire chorus: (together) Hi, we're the Cullens! Welcome! Everyone loves you!
Vampire chorus: (male voice) Except for Rosalie.
Vampire chorus: (female voice) She has permanent PMS so we just go with it!
Edward: (to Bella) Let's go meet your dad!
(Edward and Bella move stage left to stand in front of the human chorus.)
Human chorus: (male voice) Oh, he's a fine upstanding young man. Good job!
Bella: (to human chorus) We're going to play baseball in the rain.
Human chorus: (male voice) How romantic! Bye-bye, sweetie!
(Edward and Bella move center stage.)
Edward: (to vampire chorus) Someone's going to come here and ruin our happy little family! Vampire powers, activate!
Vampire chorus: (to Bella) We'll protect your people, don't worry!
(Vampire chorus and human chorus merge center stage.)
All: CHASE SCENE!
(Everyone runs in different directions, screaming random things from “I'm not wearing pants!” to “He said he'd call me!” or “We're going to not die! We're going to not die!”
After a few minutes, the stage settles into the vampire chorus and human chorus dancing together to slow music. Edward and Bella meet center stage, dancing.)
Edward: (to Bella) Sorry I nearly got you killed and made you come to the prom.
Bella: (to Edward) Sorry I got my ass beat to a pulp and you had to bite me. But I'm not sure I forgive you about the prom.
Edward: I love you.
Bella: I love you.
Human chorus: (male voice) Hey, Bella, wanna go out?
Edward and Bella: (shout) NO!
(Curtain)
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August 2011

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